Late night thoughts of a physically, mentally, emotionally tired working-mom

Just to be clear… it’s honestly not that late, but it’s mom late. If you know, you know. Also, I’m a working mom, but I know plenty of non-working and working from home moms that can relate. Lastly, I used the roles and genders that I grew up with and have seen most often, but I think this is relevant to all blended and non-traditional families.

It’s very easy as a mom to feel unimportant; even if you’re appreciated. You’re still only relevant in the context of the issue that you solve or manage. Sometimes when I don’t have to struggle with my dishwasher or my deadbolt key and I mentally thank it for working, I wonder… am I this same thing? Am I needed, involved, guarded, and appreciated in THIS way?

I remember the feeling when I upgraded my car to meet my family’s needs for space and I thought, “I love this car, it’s perfect and I’ll never get rid of it”. The sense of relief and security that it gave me; like a good, deep breath. Is that all that keeps me here? The sense of security that comes with the purposes I serve. If I were gone, would it be as simple as finding a better fit for the family to make my absence easier to deal with? If I didn’t perform some of my roles (or didn’t perform them well enough) would it be enough for my family to no longer need/want me? Surely I would be less important because of the amount of responsibility I had would decrease.

Stereotype alert: Why is it when a dad does his “dad things” all the time by himself and for himself with much less general family responsibilities, is he still such a vital person? Like, patriarchy and head of the table imagine in mind… but chances are that man hasn’t set up kids doctors appointments (or even gone), haircuts, attended kid birthday parties (unless his friend is there), teacher conference, or ANY number of things that moms do… and they are still “the man of the house”. Obviously not all men are the “man of the house” IN the house. But he definitely doesn’t feel the pressure and guilt that a mom does when it comes to the family, home, and/or kids. Those are the only things that matter, and they’re all under mom’s responsibility.

Mom’s don’t matter in the big picture of things. Or do only the things that mom’s do for the family matter? For example, having friends, hobbies, work, self-care, etc. If I skip or stop any of those, usually my family will be happy to have my full attention… unless I complain about it or show in any way that I’m anything less than ecstatic. Then I go back to being a problem. But if I skip or stop the right combination of family things, there’s usually very little wiggle room for reasons that it would be acceptable. So the moral is: be a mom, do your responsibilities to the max and be overjoyed about it. If you get overwhelmed or overstimulated, try NOT to let anyone else know… since you may ruin their day and not just yours.

Think maybe you just need a break? Rest assure, their daily lives will come to a complete halt with you. That way, by the time you’ve been guilted enough into getting back in the saddle, everything you’ve been struggling with will be right there waiting on you. Get an hour or two to have the house to yourself? Better use that to get a head start on all of the things you’ve been needing to do, or else you’ll continue to feel guilty about not having them done. But if guilt isn’t your thing, rethink taking time to yourself at all. Because there’s a large window of time until it’s acceptable for you to even suggest that your tired or overwhelmed or overstimulated. The reason: “you just had a break” and the aftertaste of… you guessed it: guilt.

I don’t have any advice for this one. I’m tired.

Pure Gold Content

10 Signs of a Pity Pirate

We all know that person, or people if you’re unfortunate enough! The ones that are always pretending to be down on their luck, at life’s mercy, and/or always involved in some drama or problems. A Pity Pirate! A person playing the victim. If you KNOW that this person is playing the victim, that’s an unfortunate position to be in. You are the one that sees through all of their bullshit while having to watch others feed into it. GAG! If you don’t know that this person is playing the victim, check out these 10 signs below:

They Don’t Take Responsibility

They point the finger at others or ignore/deny their part in the problem or situation. This helps them feel (or pretend to feel) at the mercy of others or circumstances. For a person playing the victim, this is a golden way to make someone else at fault or responsible for their actions or consequences.

They Are Frozen In Their Life

This ties into not taking responsibility. They are at the mercy of the world so when things don’t happen for them, they sit back and complain. They don’t take action. This leads to them often being stagnant in their life and never growing as a person.

They Are Bitter

They hold grudges to avoid accountability. If they are ever called out or challenged, they will bring up old news to deflect their own part/actions. Aka, “Remember when you did this to me?”. This type of person can save their grudge for special circumstances or wear their grudge out every time they are around the other person. Like, “This is the hurdles I’m facing because of this thing that you did, but it’s all good” …and continues to mention it EVERY time they see the person.

They Are Manipulative

They feel powerless. Deep down they feel a sense of not having control of their life. This presents itself as them being manipulative as a means to get people to do what they want/need. They’re usually underhanded about it. Every met someone that keeps receipts? As in, “I did this for you, so you owe me”. This type of person LOVES playing the guilt card.

They Are Untrusting

Say hello to the textbook case of a guilty conscience. They project their own guilt of being untrustworthy onto other people, i.e “if I can fool you, you must be fooling me”. So these people are very untrusting and can even play it off as “I don’t want to keep getting hurt”.

Enough Is Never Enough

They will ALWAYS need more. More support, more sympathy, more empathy, more ears to listen as they vent about their life injustices. They are like a vacuum for your energy and time. They will stay in their cycles of complaining indefinitely if they can secure more of what they need from people. This can be easy to notice as interacting with them will leave you exhausted!

They Are Argumentative

They make everything about them, so when someone verbalizes any personal issue/conflict they will go to WAR over the smallest things. For people that are always living with the paranoia and insecurity of getting caught being unauthentic, as well as the guilty conscience of being deceitful, they take offense to EVERYTHING in an attempt to win the war before the battle even begins.

They Love A Pity Party

They feel deficient in some area(s) and look for specific emotional responses from others like sympathy, empathy, support, etc. When they can’t get these actions/reactions on their own, they turn to feel sorry for themselves, which may (often) lead to evoking the responses they initially wanted from others as a bonus. This can also come across as a “negative nancy”. They constantly look for what’s WRONG in even happy circumstances because positive, optimistic people don’t receive the same response as sad, needing people.

They Compare Themselves To Others

Not only are they always in other people’s business, but they also constantly compare themselves to others. They enjoy pointing out people’s flaws to feel better about themselves. Especially if it’s someone they envy. This is a major problem for the person they focus on because they will try to stay in contact JUST to be able to have the opportunity to judge them.

They Always Cut Off Relationships

Unlike normal people, this person will end relationships over the smallest conflict. This is often due to them needing to maintain their image or victim status and to avoid potentially being called out on their bullshit. Obviously, this will create a string of chaotic relationships and (you guessed it!) another way for them to be the victim. Look around at their friends, families, and even their employment history. Do they have ANY long-term friends? Do they join a group of friends and everyone magically stops being part of the group? Chances are they created conflict and, playing the victim, made people choose between them and another friend in the group.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

It goes without saying that this list is NOT all-inclusive, nor is it definite. Someone can be untrusting because they have a history of having their trust broken. Sometimes the world really does deal you bad cards. Sometimes you do need some sympathy or support. You all know I fully support removing (to varying degrees) toxic people from your life. So take a hard look at your pity pirate (or potential pity pirate) and decide for yourself!

Pure Gold Content

My Top 5 Self-Help Books

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a mom, or a Virgo, or just generally a person fascinated with personal development; but I have a whole arsenal of books from this genre. Usually if I can find a way to suggest a book to someone looking to me for advice, you can bet I’m going to do it… and also give them a full summary of the book while I’m at it. So I figured what better way to get this information out there to someone looking for it, than on this blog?

Number One

Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know

Synopsis: “Talking to Strangers” looks at the ways we do harm by failing to understand one another, a problem he investigates through the child-abuse scandal involving Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the trial of Amanda Knox, the suicide of Sylvia Plath, the deceptions of financier Bernie Madoff and the TV sitcom “Friends.”

‘Talking to Strangers’: Malcom Gladwell’s new TED Talk-worthy book – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

My Thoughts: If you feel like you’ve been casually just interacting with anyone, ever… think again. The author of this book dives into not only how we perceive other people (and they perceive us), but also how unseen systems and societal forces play into our understanding of the world around us. This has EASILY held the title of one of my favorite self-development books for a long time. Not only is it informative, thought-provoking, and fun (especially given some of the tough content), but it was so easy to get wrapped up in! A top-notch page-turner and I can’t wait to read it again.

Number Two

The Power of Habit

Synopsis: “In The Power of Habit, award-winning business reporter Charles Duhigg takes us to the thrilling edge of scientific discoveries that explain why habits exist and how they can be changed. Distilling vast amounts of information into engrossing narratives that take us from the boardrooms of Procter & Gamble to the sidelines of the NFL to the front lines of the civil rights movement, Duhigg presents a whole new understanding of human nature and its potential. At its core, The Power of Habit contains an exhilarating argument: The key to exercising regularly, losing weight, being more productive, and achieving success is understanding how habits work. As Duhigg shows, by harnessing this new science, we can transform our businesses, our communities, and our lives.”

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg | Penguin Random House Audio

My Thoughts: Surprisingly (or maybe not), it was pretty hard to find a summary of this book that did it justice. It’s such a range of information that the author delivers in a casual, story-telling, but still informative, format. You get historical examples of relatable and ways that you can harness your habit loops to your advantage. All I can say for this book is: it’s not far from being my number one pick and you will definitely grow from reading it.

Number Three

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Synopsis: “Finding something important and meaningful in your life is the most productive use of your time and energy. This is true because every life has problems associated with it and finding meaning in your life will help you sustain the effort needed to overcome the particular problems you face. Thus, we can say that the key to living a good life is not giving a fuck about more things, but rather, giving a fuck only about the things that align with your personal values.”

Book Summary: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson (jamesclear.com)

My Thoughts: Mark Manson’s style of writing is already an easy sell. Just from the title, you know what to expect in this tough-love-from-your-favorite-cousin type of book. Not only does the author break down techniques and the ‘why’ of your life, but he also dismantles the reasons that you feel like you need to do things in the first place. This book calls out (pretty much) all of the other self-help books on the shelf and I love it!

Number Four

Girl, Wash Your Face

Synopsis: “With painful honesty and fearless humor, Rachel unpacks and examines the falsehoods that once left her feeling overwhelmed and unworthy, and reveals the specific practical strategies that helped her move past them. In the process, she encourages, entertains, and even kicks a little butt, all to convince you to do whatever it takes to get real and become the joyous, confident woman you were meant to be. Girl, Wash Your Face shows you how to live with passion and hustle–and how to give yourself grace without giving up. The author has shared her own personal stories so that she can help other women grow as much as she has.”

Girl Wash Your Face Summary – SeeKen

My Thoughts: I read this one a little after it was trending… almost in a rebellious reading-it-to-tell-people-I-hate-it way if I’m being honest. But I was wrong and first impressions went right out the window. This one is different than my usual type of personal development library. The author is very relatable and doesn’t overwhelm you with information or stats. Instead, it’s more of story-telling and advice from a close friend and I ended up learning things about myself by the end.

Number Five

Everything is F*cked

Synopsis: “You don’t need to read the book to know that the world is fucked. I mean, social media, Trump, and terrorism are enough proof. But you do need to read the book if you want to understand how you can make your presence in the current world a far better stay. In times where people are wondering what to hope for and how they can reduce the amount of pain they experience, the only way to upgrade your life is to live a better life. To anticipate problems, not to avoid them. Mr. Manson gives us a systematic way to handle our emotions and prevent us from doing stupid things that can eventually destroy the world around us.”

Everything is F*cked by Mark Manson [Summary] | Durmonski.com

My Thoughts: Again, Mark Manson’s writing style is a win by itself. This one is similar to his other book (which I love), but the message you take away from it is different. You can read either book first as they both build on the message of the other in the most entertaining, easy-to-read way.

These are just some of my favorites, but obviously not ALL of them. For more recommendations, or if you have some you think I should read, reach out!

Pure Gold Content

Uncomfortable Expectations: A Game

I think it’s (relatively) safe to say that every society… every culture, has some form of expectations of the people within it. Some mold that people are expected and often pressured to fit into.

So I want to play a game…

No, not that kind of game. I want to play: Want To OR Have To

The rules are simple, I’ll cover some topics and you answer if you’re doing these things (or planning to) because you want to, or because you think that you have to. Or don’t answer, I’ll never know.

…Or will I?

Going to college

Do you really want to continue your education after getting your diploma/GED, or do you feel like you have to or society will deem you ‘unaccomplished’ without it?

Hear me out… Everyone knows the cost of tuition is always on the rise, not to mention books and expenses. You know your girl is going to check some stats, and sure enough! Not only has the all-around cost of going to college been trending upward for the past TWO decades, but Forbes reported that this cost is increasing nearly eight times faster than wages. Eight times fast than wages! That is just absurd. The obvious problem with this is that most four-year degrees don’t generate enough beginning (or even intermediate) salary to balance out student debt.

Obviously, if you are passionate about something – or genuinely just want to expand your knowledge – or whatever the reason is that you personally want to go to college, do it. BUT if that’s not the case and you just feel pressured by society (or whoever) to do it, but you actually just want to follow your favorite K-POP group on all their tours for the rest of your life, do that instead. Or at least, postpone and take some time to weigh your options.

Getting Married

This one could definitely be about relationships and settling down in general, but I’ll just come out and say – don’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend just because your nosey aunt keeps asking you about it at all the get-togethers.

For this one, I want to know if you really want to get married, or do you feel like you have to for your relationship to be validated or seen as ‘serious’? To be clear, I’m not talking about gas-lighting someone and leading them on for years (or any amount of time) without any real plan for commitment; that makes you an asshat, and no one likes an asshat. Don’t use this post to justify not committing to your person and kindly excuse yourself.

If you’re still here and, in fact, not an asshat – let’s continue!

*Cue stats*

As of 2020, there are a record number of people that have never been married. There are also a record number of people that never will marry. Obviously if you’re in the ‘never will marry’ group and you’re in a relationship with someone that DOES want to get married at some point… please see the asshat area mentioned earlier. BUT you and your person can both be in a committed relationship without the desire or need to be legally bound for all eternity. Dramatic, I know.

Being unmarried is so popular, that there is Unmarried Americans Week in September of every year. Yes, a full week in the US that celebrates NOT being married! And every September the Census Bureau releases survey results around the subject to mark the occasion and for some reason that downright tickles me.

So if you’re in a relationship with someone that has the same marital views as you, opting to keep the court system out of your relationship life is totally acceptable.

There are SO many topics that I could play this game with, but I am That Busy Mom so time is in short supply around here. Now that you’ve answered these questions (because I know you did), I hope this gave you something to think about, especially if these apply to you.

Pure Gold Content

Why it’s okay to NOT be polite (sometimes)

Here’s the thing, most people are raised with some form of right and wrong. Aka, there aren’t many situations where you’re a total fart-bag without knowing it to some degree.

As I’m sure you’ve seen on various inspirational memes or posts, not everyone has the same heart, life, and/or upbringing as you; and use it against you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the “rising above it all” vibe when the situation calls for it, and most do!

Here are the times that the situation does NOT call for being the better person:

Someone you know

When someone REPEATEDLY makes you feel bad

Stuff happens. People have bad days. Maybe you’ve encountered a “wrong place, wrong time” dilemma. But if you have a negative experience every time you interact with this person because of their behavior towards you, you have entered the loophole of manners, my friend.

Someone you’re (possibly) getting to know

When someone crosses a “dealbreaker” line in your morals, beliefs, or whatever is a no-fly-zone in your life. These areas aren’t always obvious to others, but if you plan on continuing whatever type of relationship with them, set that politeness down and draw your figurative line in the dirt.

Or draw a literal line, but that may be weird for everyone…

Someone you don’t know (or know well)

If you’re like me (a true-crime, serial killer, morbid junkie), then you probably know that predators depend on your manners when looking for a target. Maybe they’re following a little too close behind you on your walk home. Maybe they linger a little too long when knocking at your front door, or even in your doorway if you opened it. Or maybe they ask you for, or to do, something that makes you uncomfortable. IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE POLITE HERE. These instances open you up to everything from murder, rape, assault, and abduction.

My Favorite Murder podcast (and social media) highlights a lot of these instances while also being featured in a Buzzfeed article, “Being Polite Often Gets Women Killed”.

What’s a ‘bad feeling’?

In most of the above situations, your feeling is what guides you. It can be a sinking or sick feeling in your stomach when interacting with a person. Or, in most situations, being around that person leaves your energy (aura) a little darker, you feel unhappy or even angry/aggravated, and maybe your physical energy is drained. Because some people, especially the repeat offenders (aka jerks), are exhausting!

#goodvibesonly

So if you find yourself in a situation with someone close to you, someone you are getting to know, or someone you don’t know at all, and you have a bad feeling that you can’t shake… the universe approves of your impolite, blunt, rude, or whatever reaction that doesn’t get you arrested but preserves your internal peace.