Late night thoughts of a physically, mentally, emotionally tired working-mom

Just to be clear… it’s honestly not that late, but it’s mom late. If you know, you know. Also, I’m a working mom, but I know plenty of non-working and working from home moms that can relate. Lastly, I used the roles and genders that I grew up with and have seen most often, but I think this is relevant to all blended and non-traditional families.

It’s very easy as a mom to feel unimportant; even if you’re appreciated. You’re still only relevant in the context of the issue that you solve or manage. Sometimes when I don’t have to struggle with my dishwasher or my deadbolt key and I mentally thank it for working, I wonder… am I this same thing? Am I needed, involved, guarded, and appreciated in THIS way?

I remember the feeling when I upgraded my car to meet my family’s needs for space and I thought, “I love this car, it’s perfect and I’ll never get rid of it”. The sense of relief and security that it gave me; like a good, deep breath. Is that all that keeps me here? The sense of security that comes with the purposes I serve. If I were gone, would it be as simple as finding a better fit for the family to make my absence easier to deal with? If I didn’t perform some of my roles (or didn’t perform them well enough) would it be enough for my family to no longer need/want me? Surely I would be less important because of the amount of responsibility I had would decrease.

Stereotype alert: Why is it when a dad does his “dad things” all the time by himself and for himself with much less general family responsibilities, is he still such a vital person? Like, patriarchy and head of the table imagine in mind… but chances are that man hasn’t set up kids doctors appointments (or even gone), haircuts, attended kid birthday parties (unless his friend is there), teacher conference, or ANY number of things that moms do… and they are still “the man of the house”. Obviously not all men are the “man of the house” IN the house. But he definitely doesn’t feel the pressure and guilt that a mom does when it comes to the family, home, and/or kids. Those are the only things that matter, and they’re all under mom’s responsibility.

Mom’s don’t matter in the big picture of things. Or do only the things that mom’s do for the family matter? For example, having friends, hobbies, work, self-care, etc. If I skip or stop any of those, usually my family will be happy to have my full attention… unless I complain about it or show in any way that I’m anything less than ecstatic. Then I go back to being a problem. But if I skip or stop the right combination of family things, there’s usually very little wiggle room for reasons that it would be acceptable. So the moral is: be a mom, do your responsibilities to the max and be overjoyed about it. If you get overwhelmed or overstimulated, try NOT to let anyone else know… since you may ruin their day and not just yours.

Think maybe you just need a break? Rest assure, their daily lives will come to a complete halt with you. That way, by the time you’ve been guilted enough into getting back in the saddle, everything you’ve been struggling with will be right there waiting on you. Get an hour or two to have the house to yourself? Better use that to get a head start on all of the things you’ve been needing to do, or else you’ll continue to feel guilty about not having them done. But if guilt isn’t your thing, rethink taking time to yourself at all. Because there’s a large window of time until it’s acceptable for you to even suggest that your tired or overwhelmed or overstimulated. The reason: “you just had a break” and the aftertaste of… you guessed it: guilt.

I don’t have any advice for this one. I’m tired.

Uncomfortable Expectations: A Game

I think it’s (relatively) safe to say that every society… every culture, has some form of expectations of the people within it. Some mold that people are expected and often pressured to fit into. 

So I want to play a game… 

No, not that kind of game. I want to play: Want To OR Have To

The rules are simple, I’ll cover some topics and you answer if you’re doing these things (or planning to) because you want to, or because you think that you have to. Or don’t answer, I’ll never know. 

…Or will I?

Going to college

Do you really want to continue your education after getting your diploma/GED, or do you feel like you have to or society will deem you ‘unaccomplished’ without it?

Hear me out… Everyone knows the cost of tuition is always on the rise, not to mention books and expenses. You know your girl is going to check some stats, and sure enough! Not only has the all-around cost of going to college been trending upward for the past TWO decades, but Forbes reported that this cost is increasing nearly eight times faster than wages. Eight times fast than wages! That is just absurd. The obvious problem with this is that most four-year degrees don’t generate enough beginning (or even intermediate) salary to balance out student debt.

Obviously, if you are passionate about something – or genuinely just want to expand your knowledge – or whatever the reason is that you personally want to go to college, do it. BUT if that’s not the case and you just feel pressured by society (or whoever) to do it, but you actually just want to follow your favorite K-POP group on all their tours for the rest of your life, do that instead. Or at least, postpone and take some time to weigh your options.

Getting Married

This one could definitely be about relationships and settling down in general, but I’ll just come out and say – don’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend just because your nosey aunt keeps asking you about it at all the get-togethers. 

For this one, I want to know if you really want to get married, or do you feel like you have to for your relationship to be validated or seen as ‘serious’? To be clear, I’m not talking about gas-lighting someone and leading them on for years (or any amount of time) without any real plan for commitment; that makes you an asshat, and no one likes an asshat. Don’t use this post to justify not committing to your person and kindly excuse yourself.

If you’re still here and, in fact, not an asshat – let’s continue!

 *Cue stats*

As of 2020, there are a record number of people that have never been married. There are also a record number of people that never will marry. Obviously if you’re in the ‘never will marry’ group and you’re in a relationship with someone that DOES want to get married at some point… please see the asshat area mentioned earlier. BUT you and your person can both be in a committed relationship without the desire or need to be legally bound for all eternity. Dramatic, I know.

Being unmarried is so popular, that there is Unmarried Americans Week in September of every year. Yes, a full week in the US that celebrates NOT being married! And every September the Census Bureau releases survey results around the subject to mark the occasion and for some reason that downright tickles me.

So if you’re in a relationship with someone that has the same marital views as you, opting to keep the court system out of your relationship life is totally acceptable. 

Photo by cottonbro on

There are SO many topics that I could play this game with, but I am That Busy Mom so time is in short supply around here. Now that you’ve answered these questions (because I know you did), I hope this gave you something to think about, especially if these apply to you.